Most people are deluded about their own boundaries. They either think, “I could use better boundaries. I would like to have better boundaries.” But they don’t choose to learn how to have better boundaries and truly deep inside are not ready to leave situations that cause them to repeatedly be outside of their boundaries

It’s CHOOSING to be violated and choosing to remain outside of consent.

Or, people think, “I have good boundaries; I’ve learned how to say ‘no,’ and I can say a girl ‘no,’ so I have good boundaries.” These people are also deluded about their boundaries.

Boundaries have very little to do with just, “saying ‘no,’”

In fact, there are very few “boundaries” situations in life where you’re in a position to say “yes” or “no.” Or have a weak “no” or a strong “no.”

If you’re saying, “No,” then someone asked you a question. Very rarely when it comes to boundaries does someone else ask you a clear question and respect if you say “yes” or “no.” More often, people just do things.

And it’s up to you whether you can even feel that a situation that is already happening is within or not within your boundaries. And it is also up to you to speak up and stop the whole situation if you’re outside of your boundaries. This is very different than saying, “No,” and very few people have the wherewithal to upset a whole dynamic, already in play, involving other people and their clear wants - especially if there is a power differential involved - and DO SOMETHING to respect and protect their own boundaries, at the cost to the whole dynamic involving others.

This is a big question when it comes to “good boundaries.” Are you willing to do something like this? Day in and day out? Making people upset all the time, and breaking relationships, in order to stay within your own boundaries?

And this, too, is only one type of situation that doesn’t cover the “boundaries spectrum” or “boundaries gamut.”

Do you speak up and CHANGE situations to your own favor? Are you comfortable being in your pleasure and asking others to help create your pleasure for you?

This, actually, may be the hardest of all. Being in your own pleasure and changing your reality to always make sure you’re in your own pleasure. Whereas the previous examples only have to do with avoiding pain.

In the previous examples of avoiding pain, you still were not in your power (even if you managed to avoid pain), since you were still playing puppet to someone else’s reality.

Creating your own reality and putting yourself in the power position is the most advanced boundaries practice of all. And almost everyone cannot do this without going full-out tyrant and narcissist. It is very hard for people to create their own reality, be within their boundaries, and be an amiable, consensual person to be around.

In other words, even the people who think they are good at saying “no” are probably still dangerous people to be around since they are addicted to not being in their full power. And when they attempt to be, they act like a narcissist due to lack of practice and self-knowledge. And inevitably self-worth.

The people I know who are proud of their “no” have real issues being in their power and not being a narcissist along the way.

So, to conclude, people in general are deluded about their boundaries. They don’t even know what boundaries work is, when they think they’ve mastered it. And they are usually addicted to NOT being in their own boundaries when they think they want to be in their own boundaries.

It’s an epidemic of self-harm, and societal reinforcement of a lack of self-knowledge and awareness. And if you truly want to learn how to be in your boundaries, it will take an inner revolution that requires putting yourself first, at the cost of your relationships and the “wants” of others. And at the master level, not being a psychopathic narcissist either.